Today I haven't done anything. I've been crying on and off about the fact that my relationship is kind of going sour because I adamantly refuse to talk to anyone (especially Boyfriend) about what's going on with me lately. I really just hate the idea of someone knowing how weak (physically) I am, and how I'm kind of falling apart. I want to appear strong, or at least normally functioning, to people; is that so wrong? I don't want pity or whatever kind of sad sappy emotions would come my way out of letting everyone know I have the immune system of a newborn baby.
Regardless, I'm going to the grocery store and making fish for dinner. I fucking deserve it.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Woops.
It's no surprise that a few posts later and I've suddenly disappeared from documenting the ins and outs of my year off. I'm very keen on the fact that I'm a downright pessimist and the only time I write something it's either very boring or very sad (usually the latter). I remember a time when I had a notebook full of complaints about why my life sucked or things that people were doing to make me angry or upset. This was wrong, this wasn't good enough, etc. It makes me sad to realize that the only things I find worth writing down about my life are the things that make me unhappy.
This blog was meant to be about remembering the little moments in my year off to look back on and to see how I've grown and changed over the year. Instead I feel like it's just another notebook written in angry red pen about how I'm failing at life or life is failing me. I hope it's never too late to change... Here goes:
Today, I went to the doctor and received some bad news. I won't go into it, but I'm treating it and all should be well in about two weeks. I went to IKEA today thanks to the savior that is Rashid and his new car, and got the food containers I've been meaning to buy for a long time, since all of my glass Pyrex ones have all mysteriously vanished. It's totally OK though, because you can't beat a 12 piece set for only four bucks. Seriously how is that even possible?
Yesterday, I worked a very long and boring shift at the golf course, my first full shift on my own. It technically wasn't a full shift, though, because I didn't have to set up the bev cart since there were literally 4 or 5 people on the course all day. They were aerating half the course so only the back 9 were open (This is fancy golfer's lingo for the last 9 holes). I made friends with the pro shop intern, Nate, who is extremely nice and very funny. He helped the second half of the day go by a lot faster. Slow days are going to be a blessing, I think, because I can sit and read or do crafts or probably even nap when there's no one here.
Sunday, Chad and I climbed Camelback, and then I slept for most of the day. I was exhausted!! We climbed the more vertical side, which is more bouldering and less hiking than I would have cared for. I'm still sore three days later! But still, it was good to get out, and hopefully next time will be easier (and cooler) and I will have a camelbak so I don't have to drag my hot metal bottle around with me. We talked about life and dating and friends; I don't get to spend enough time with Chad!
Saturday I worked a half day, and then met up with Qian at Mellow Mushroom to have a beer (1/2 off local brews!!!) and then went to Dave/Violet/Brett's for dinner. Dave is an amaaazing cook and made pasta salad, bruschetta and salmon with some kind of magical crack sauce that was so delicious. I felt so spoiled! I want to learn to cook so I can eat like a king every day. Sometimes, I forget how good food can be. I made tacos for myself and they were pretty good, but not quite magical YET. After dinner I went to Mill with Aschley, Breanna and their friends Kat and Kip. I think that's his name... But anyway, we had a few drinks and danced and it was so fun, because we had Kip as a creeper shield! Whenever a randie would come by, he would pull us over and protect us. It's very rare that that happens with the Regulars, because the boys usually outnumber the girls so randies never really come up to us, lol.
Friday, I worked, I think. My memory doesn't really go this far back, so I'll just end my weekly recap here.
Life is good; I just have to try and remember that.
This blog was meant to be about remembering the little moments in my year off to look back on and to see how I've grown and changed over the year. Instead I feel like it's just another notebook written in angry red pen about how I'm failing at life or life is failing me. I hope it's never too late to change... Here goes:
Today, I went to the doctor and received some bad news. I won't go into it, but I'm treating it and all should be well in about two weeks. I went to IKEA today thanks to the savior that is Rashid and his new car, and got the food containers I've been meaning to buy for a long time, since all of my glass Pyrex ones have all mysteriously vanished. It's totally OK though, because you can't beat a 12 piece set for only four bucks. Seriously how is that even possible?
Yesterday, I worked a very long and boring shift at the golf course, my first full shift on my own. It technically wasn't a full shift, though, because I didn't have to set up the bev cart since there were literally 4 or 5 people on the course all day. They were aerating half the course so only the back 9 were open (This is fancy golfer's lingo for the last 9 holes). I made friends with the pro shop intern, Nate, who is extremely nice and very funny. He helped the second half of the day go by a lot faster. Slow days are going to be a blessing, I think, because I can sit and read or do crafts or probably even nap when there's no one here.
Sunday, Chad and I climbed Camelback, and then I slept for most of the day. I was exhausted!! We climbed the more vertical side, which is more bouldering and less hiking than I would have cared for. I'm still sore three days later! But still, it was good to get out, and hopefully next time will be easier (and cooler) and I will have a camelbak so I don't have to drag my hot metal bottle around with me. We talked about life and dating and friends; I don't get to spend enough time with Chad!
Saturday I worked a half day, and then met up with Qian at Mellow Mushroom to have a beer (1/2 off local brews!!!) and then went to Dave/Violet/Brett's for dinner. Dave is an amaaazing cook and made pasta salad, bruschetta and salmon with some kind of magical crack sauce that was so delicious. I felt so spoiled! I want to learn to cook so I can eat like a king every day. Sometimes, I forget how good food can be. I made tacos for myself and they were pretty good, but not quite magical YET. After dinner I went to Mill with Aschley, Breanna and their friends Kat and Kip. I think that's his name... But anyway, we had a few drinks and danced and it was so fun, because we had Kip as a creeper shield! Whenever a randie would come by, he would pull us over and protect us. It's very rare that that happens with the Regulars, because the boys usually outnumber the girls so randies never really come up to us, lol.
Friday, I worked, I think. My memory doesn't really go this far back, so I'll just end my weekly recap here.
Life is good; I just have to try and remember that.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The way I'm feeling now
I can't sleep because I'm nauseous.
I'm nauseous because I haven't slept.
I'm angry and sad because it's a side effect of these pills.
I'm taking the pills because they're a side effect of being sick.
I'm sick of being angry and sad, angry because I'm sad, sad because I'm angry, and angry and sad because I'm sick.
Everything is mixing badly in my brain and body and it seems the only thing I'm fighting is myself.
I find myself unable to cope with having friends and having problems, because I don't want my friends to know about my problems, and am incapable of lying to them, yet I can't bring myself to tell them the truth. I despise the fact that they all know that I'm sick, and I despise them for dragging it out of me with what feels like the facade of actually caring.
I don't want you to know I'm not OK. I don't want you to know that my body's out of whack and I'm chugging down pills in some futile attempt to put it right again, and I definitely don't want you to know that they're making things worse, in some way.
Mostly though, I want you to do something other than drink and ask me why I'm not partaking in the joyous carefree drunk you're all having so much fun with. I'm sick and I'm angry and I don't want you to know I am.
I'm nauseous because I haven't slept.
I'm angry and sad because it's a side effect of these pills.
I'm taking the pills because they're a side effect of being sick.
I'm sick of being angry and sad, angry because I'm sad, sad because I'm angry, and angry and sad because I'm sick.
Everything is mixing badly in my brain and body and it seems the only thing I'm fighting is myself.
I find myself unable to cope with having friends and having problems, because I don't want my friends to know about my problems, and am incapable of lying to them, yet I can't bring myself to tell them the truth. I despise the fact that they all know that I'm sick, and I despise them for dragging it out of me with what feels like the facade of actually caring.
I don't want you to know I'm not OK. I don't want you to know that my body's out of whack and I'm chugging down pills in some futile attempt to put it right again, and I definitely don't want you to know that they're making things worse, in some way.
Mostly though, I want you to do something other than drink and ask me why I'm not partaking in the joyous carefree drunk you're all having so much fun with. I'm sick and I'm angry and I don't want you to know I am.
Friday, June 3, 2011
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!
Now that all the cleaning and shopping and crafting is done, all that's left to do is sit back and wait for everyone to get here! I'm teetering between thinking so many people are going to show up that there won't be enough room to contain them, and thinking no one will want to come because apparently no one like theme parties but me.
Regardless, it's still my birthday and I am super excited to drink all the beer in my fridge and then run around in my costume. HAPPY BERGDAY TO ME!
EDIT: I got iced at my party! Whoever decided to ice the iceberg is kind of a genius.
Regardless, it's still my birthday and I am super excited to drink all the beer in my fridge and then run around in my costume. HAPPY BERGDAY TO ME!
EDIT: I got iced at my party! Whoever decided to ice the iceberg is kind of a genius.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Pre-Party
Tomorrow is the villains party! I'm excited, partly because it's my birthday, and partly because I cleaned the whole apt in order to fool my friends into thinking I'm neat. And it looks good. I'm still working on it though. Just my laundry, work space and balcony are left. I'm going out for "power hour" now, where randies shall believe it's my 21st and buy me drinks, those fools!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tuesday & Wednesday (Winesday)
My tuesday and wednesday are kind of melted together in my memory, because the days were a miserable MISERABLE blur. I suppose this is TMI even for a blog that only I read, but that lady problem reared its ugly head and me, being completely unprepared all the time, was completely unprepared. I totally spaced on picking up some more advil in the last four weeks what with graduation and constantly being hammered, that all I could do was lay in bed and cry. Cry, and throw up and call my mom and cry some more. I hate that I become literally paralyzed by the pain, every single time.
I did, however, get back on my feet earlier today and picked up some medicine and some wine, and made it to Ben's house in time for winesdays, which was a tradition for about a month, about a couple months ago. We're hoping to cook dinner together as a little family so we (bust mostly I) don't get lonely cooking and eating alone at home. I'm not banking on it, but it would be really nice.
I made curtains for my laundry nook today, out of the fabric that I found/stole/took from Arcosanti. I have many more crafts on my to-do list, including finishing my Iceberg outfit! But, these are projects for another day. Tomorrow (technically today) is the day! I have lots of cleaning to do, beer to buy, and thrifting to do. I'm just glad I'm fully stocked up on painkillers so I can do things super fast and with extravagant amounts of energy.
I did, however, get back on my feet earlier today and picked up some medicine and some wine, and made it to Ben's house in time for winesdays, which was a tradition for about a month, about a couple months ago. We're hoping to cook dinner together as a little family so we (bust mostly I) don't get lonely cooking and eating alone at home. I'm not banking on it, but it would be really nice.
I made curtains for my laundry nook today, out of the fabric that I found/stole/took from Arcosanti. I have many more crafts on my to-do list, including finishing my Iceberg outfit! But, these are projects for another day. Tomorrow (technically today) is the day! I have lots of cleaning to do, beer to buy, and thrifting to do. I'm just glad I'm fully stocked up on painkillers so I can do things super fast and with extravagant amounts of energy.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Memorial Day!
Being memorial day, I did the hipster thing to do, and did stuff that is not really memorable. I woke up this morning with a massive hangover, then went to lunch with Violet at my faaavorite place (Cornish Pasty) and then watched TV with Ben and Dan. We talked about redoing my balcony and I picked up an aloe vera plant (finally)
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