Sad Day

Today I haven't done anything. I've been crying on and off about the fact that my relationship is kind of going sour because I adamantly refuse to talk to anyone (especially Boyfriend) about what's going on with me lately. I really just hate the idea of someone knowing how weak (physically) I am, and how I'm kind of falling apart. I want to appear strong, or at least normally functioning, to people; is that so wrong? I don't want pity or whatever kind of sad sappy emotions would come my way out of letting everyone know I have the immune system of a newborn baby.

Regardless, I'm going to the grocery store and making fish for dinner. I fucking deserve it.

Woops.

It's no surprise that a few posts later and I've suddenly disappeared from documenting the ins and outs of my year off. I'm very keen on the fact that I'm a downright pessimist and the only time I write something it's either very boring or very sad (usually the latter). I remember a time when I had a notebook full of complaints about why my life sucked or things that people were doing to make me angry or upset. This was wrong, this wasn't good enough, etc. It makes me sad to realize that the only things I find worth writing down about my life are the things that make me unhappy.

This blog was meant to be about remembering the little moments in my year off to look back on and to see how I've grown and changed over the year. Instead I feel like it's just another notebook written in angry red pen about how I'm failing at life or life is failing me. I hope it's never too late to change... Here goes:

Today, I went to the doctor and received some bad news. I won't go into it, but I'm treating it and all should be well in about two weeks. I went to IKEA today thanks to the savior that is Rashid and his new car, and got the food containers I've been meaning to buy for a long time, since all of my glass Pyrex ones have all mysteriously vanished. It's totally OK though, because you can't beat a 12 piece set for only four bucks. Seriously how is that even possible?

Yesterday, I worked a very long and boring shift at the golf course, my first full shift on my own. It technically wasn't a full shift, though, because I didn't have to set up the bev cart since there were literally 4 or 5 people on the course all day. They were aerating half the course so only the back 9 were open (This is fancy golfer's lingo for the last 9 holes). I made friends with the pro shop intern, Nate, who is extremely nice and very funny. He helped the second half of the day go by a lot faster. Slow days are going to be a blessing, I think, because I can sit and read or do crafts or probably even nap when there's no one here.

Sunday, Chad and I climbed Camelback, and then I slept for most of the day. I was exhausted!! We climbed the more vertical side, which is more bouldering and less hiking than I would have cared for. I'm still sore three days later! But still, it was good to get out, and hopefully next time will be easier (and cooler) and I will have a camelbak so I don't have to drag my hot metal bottle around with me. We talked about life and dating and friends; I don't get to spend enough time with Chad!

Saturday I worked a half day, and then met up with Qian at Mellow Mushroom to have a beer (1/2 off local brews!!!) and then went to Dave/Violet/Brett's for dinner. Dave is an amaaazing cook and made pasta salad, bruschetta and salmon with some kind of magical crack sauce that was so delicious. I felt so spoiled! I want to learn to cook so I can eat like a king every day. Sometimes, I forget how good food can be. I made tacos for myself and they were pretty good, but not quite magical YET. After dinner I went to Mill with Aschley, Breanna and their friends Kat and Kip. I think that's his name... But anyway, we had a few drinks and danced and it was so fun, because we had Kip as a creeper shield! Whenever a randie would come by, he would pull us over and protect us. It's very rare that that happens with the Regulars, because the boys usually outnumber the girls so randies never really come up to us, lol.

Friday, I worked, I think. My memory doesn't really go this far back, so I'll just end my weekly recap here.

Life is good; I just have to try and remember that.

The way I'm feeling now

I can't sleep because I'm nauseous.
I'm nauseous because I haven't slept.

I'm angry and sad because it's a side effect of these pills.
I'm taking the pills because they're a side effect of being sick.
I'm sick of being angry and sad, angry because I'm sad, sad because I'm angry, and angry and sad because I'm sick.
Everything is mixing badly in my brain and body and it seems the only thing I'm fighting is myself.

I find myself unable to cope with having friends and having problems, because I don't want my friends to know about my problems, and am incapable of lying to them, yet I can't bring myself to tell them the truth. I despise the fact that they all know that I'm sick, and I despise them for dragging it out of me with what feels like the facade of actually caring.

I don't want you to know I'm not OK. I don't want you to know that my body's out of whack and I'm chugging down pills in some futile attempt to put it right again, and I definitely don't want you to know that they're making things worse, in some way.

Mostly though, I want you to do something other than drink and ask me why I'm not partaking in the joyous carefree drunk you're all having so much fun with. I'm sick and I'm angry and I don't want you to know I am.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Now that all the cleaning and shopping and crafting is done, all that's left to do is sit back and wait for everyone to get here! I'm teetering between thinking so many people are going to show up that there won't be enough room to contain them, and thinking no one will want to come because apparently no one like theme parties but me.

Regardless, it's still my birthday and I am super excited to drink all the beer in my fridge and then run around in my costume. HAPPY BERGDAY TO ME!

EDIT: I got iced at my party! Whoever decided to ice the iceberg is kind of a genius.

Pre-Party

Tomorrow is the villains party! I'm excited, partly because it's my birthday, and partly because I cleaned the whole apt in order to fool my friends into thinking I'm neat. And it looks good. I'm still working on it though. Just my laundry, work space and balcony are left. I'm going out for "power hour" now, where randies shall believe it's my 21st and buy me drinks, those fools!

Tuesday & Wednesday (Winesday)

My tuesday and wednesday are kind of melted together in my memory, because the days were a miserable MISERABLE blur. I suppose this is TMI even for a blog that only I read, but that lady problem reared its ugly head and me, being completely unprepared all the time, was completely unprepared. I totally spaced on picking up some more advil in the last four weeks what with graduation and constantly being hammered, that all I could do was lay in bed and cry. Cry, and throw up and call my mom and cry some more. I hate that I become literally paralyzed by the pain, every single time.

I did, however, get back on my feet earlier today and picked up some medicine and some wine, and made it to Ben's house in time for winesdays, which was a tradition for about a month, about a couple months ago. We're hoping to cook dinner together as a little family so we (bust mostly I) don't get lonely cooking and eating alone at home. I'm not banking on it, but it would be really nice.

I made curtains for my laundry nook today, out of the fabric that I found/stole/took from Arcosanti. I have many more crafts on my to-do list, including finishing my Iceberg outfit! But, these are projects for another day. Tomorrow (technically today) is the day! I have lots of cleaning to do, beer to buy, and thrifting to do. I'm just glad I'm fully stocked up on painkillers so I can do things super fast and with extravagant amounts of energy.

Memorial Day!

Being memorial day, I did the hipster thing to do, and did stuff that is not really memorable. I woke up this morning with a massive hangover, then went to lunch with Violet at my faaavorite place (Cornish Pasty) and then watched TV with Ben and Dan. We talked about redoing my balcony and I picked up an aloe vera plant (finally)

EAME$

I made a wallet for Boyfriend today, out of a couple of sample swatches of Eames Dot fabric. My favorite part is the tiny toothpicks & matches pocket in the middle, which was kind of unintended but also super adorable. All that's left now is to finish the sides, but I don't know what material to use for it. I want to do leather, but I don't know how to sew leather.

After working on this piece of beauty, Ben and I went to our friend Liz's friend's party, conveniently located next door to our site in second year. We drank beer and margaritas that apparently were made with poison. S-O D-R-U-N-K. I can't remember the last time I puked that much without being sick.

Warm Wiggles

I don't know what I've done to earn myself some good karma, but lately I feel like I've just been swimming in a pool of love and support. I ran into some former co-workers yesterday at the art show, all the way in downtown phoenix (some 8-10 miles from home) and got to talking about life and architecture and blah blah blah. They're both so sweet and offered to look over my portfolio for me. So nice of them! My friends have been really helpful as well, and have given me some great feedback with what I have so far. It's definitely getting there.

Today was Ben's graduation celebration, where we ate yummy food and watched his family sing karaoke, sat around and talked about pokemon and magical powers, and generally just had a good time. Then, after a coffee and pajamas break, I went to Dave & Violet's and watched movies and talked till 3AM. A good night!

Downtown Phoenix

I went to an art show today and it made me want to start painting again. :)

Doing Work

Today I took a much needed me day! I slept in a little (oops) and took my sweet ass time getting ready. I went on a short bike ride to Goodwill, home of the $1 Thursdays and did some serious thrifting. I scored a lilac JCrew silk top and a Tahari pencil skirt (a girl can never have too many pencil skirts! I definitely cut it close though.) all for $5! My mom always reminds me that it's a really great deal if you can't even buy the materials for that much. Cha-Ching! After whetting my shopping whistle, I ignited a long-dormant shopping bug inside of me, and headed north to Scottsdale. I had planned on hopping on the bus, but as the beast rolled by I noticed that all of the bike racks were filled, and there was no shade at this bus stop.

Out of spite, I rode the 5 miles to the mall and was sweaty and disgusting among the bourgie Scottsdale pouffs. For some reason it was really satisfying. Anyway I burned some store credit at Macy's and bought a bandeau top from Material Girl (the Madonna line!) and some socks. I love socks. Then, I bought myself a mall pretzel. Man those things are good. It was like an immediate time warp back to when I lived in The Valley; a surreal moment where I could close my eyes and see young me walking through the mall in search of the perfect pair of flared pants and hello kitty backpacks.

I caught a bus back and am now enjoying filling out job applications because my hair looks amazing today, and I have a pile of really cute clothes that all cost $10.

Time

My iceberg outfit is nearly complete! I have tiny bits of sewing left, and then a ship to build. It's going to be two halves of the ship, one resting on each shoulder. Best villain ever! Mu-ha-ha-ha

Working, Wings, and Watching Glee

Today I finally mustered up the energy to drag my sorry self out of the house and to studio to work on my dreaded portfolio. I've caught myself putting off working on it for the better part of the last few months, and I think it's because I'm so terrified of putting myself through more rejection than I've already faced. If I had a dollar for every job I've been rejected from, I wouldn't need a job. Ok it's not that bad but I could definitely take myself out for a very expensive meal, or pay a moderately sized bill. The point of the matter is, I worked on my portfolio today, and now my list of things to do is finally shorter than the list of things I've already gotten done. It was a great relief to zoom out and see that the horrible cyan-colored placeholder blocks were finally dwindling down. It also helped that I was surrounded by friends who were all helpful both with my work and with keeping me from bursting into tears and running away.

I was treated to dinner by the black half to my black & yellow (Brittaney) and spent the night laughing over wings with her, David Yu and his boyfriend Patrick. They're all so good about making me less stressed. Lewd conversations about plowing, Van Buren and "ZING!" that come with this group of friends is probably a large reason why I didn't burst into tears and run away from architecture school. I'm a lucky cat.

After dinner, I biked over to Dan's to watch the season finale of Glee, which was good but could have been better. I sang along to my iPod on the ride home, and I hope everyone in the neighborhood could hear. I hope they grimaced as they passed because one day I will be famous. No, but at least I had a good day today, and that's enough for me.


On a side note, I was greeted by this photo when I arrived home, which was taken by a friend of mine over the summer (I think), and it re-sparked an epiphany that I had a very long time ago about myself. I look really awkward in pictures. Like, really awkward. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

Meh-day

Despite setting all of my alarms to 8AM, my lazy self didn't wake up until 1PM. It basically consisted of rubbing my sleepy eyes, realizing I don't have anything to wake up for, and falling back asleep. The fact of the matter is, I'm sad and I'm bored. I'm sad because I'm bored, and I'm bored because I'm sad. It's a vicious cycle that really messes with my ability to do anything productive. I fiddled around with my villain costume for most of the day, and applied to more jobs that I am most likely unqualified for. I talked to Mark for a little bit, then went to Home Depot with Ben to look for a tool that apparently doesn't exist. I'm tired now. This was not a good day; the only good thing to come out of today is the pretty lighting that allowed me to get a photo of my spiraling ramp.

Naturefest

Today was a wonderful day to get out of town. Ben, Brett, Jon and I, hopped in the convertible in the wee hours of dawn (it was actually 9AM, which to me is like sunrise) and drove up north, just past Payson, to Tonto National Forest, which housed Tonto State Park, which housed the Tonto Natural Land Bridge. I think that's how it went. Being the high desert, the weather was absolutely lovely and the hike wasn't too bad. Save for the part where I knocked my head into a sharp rock trying to see inside a little cave, I emerged unscathed by this whole "nature" thing.

The trail towards the land bridge took us past this magical waterfall full of moss and trickling water. I half (entirely) expected to see some gnomes hanging out around here, and maybe a baby unicorn or two. None of our photos could do this thing justice, so you'll have to take my word for it. This place was MAGICAL.


The land bridge itself was nothing short of spectacular! It looked more like a double-sided cave, complete with blue lagoon that looked like it should house pirate ships, and a huge mossy waterfall that I'm positive housed more gnomes and unicorns. It really was that awesome.


The last bit of the trails brought us to this hole in the rock that allowed us to look down into where the water fell. It literally felt like I WAS LOOKING INTO NEVERLAND. And, as usual with magical things, my picture looks like crap because you apparently can't capture magic on camera.

Caturdays

Today was a lazy day. I woke up at Ben's at noon, having passed out after Ryan's birthday yet barely sleeping due to the vicious cat attacks of ARTEMIS, the worst kitten in the world. He is entirely evil and just generally sucks as a cat. I picked up my bike from Qian's house, after leaving it there on tuesday due to extreme laziness, and finally had all of my wheels back at home. I sat around and pondered jobs and portfolios and fiscal responsibility, and then went out to Mill Ave. for a bit. Met up with people for my friend Justin's birthday, then found that Jon had been tricked into going to a club, so I met up with him, Ben, TJ, and Dan, my favorite household who usually uses me to break up the sausagefest that is them going out together.

That picture there is the ramp that leads to my library. It's the sculptural money-maker in my project, but it photographs fairly disgustingly. Thus is life.

Day 8

Friday was our friend Ryan's 21st, which officially makes the gang all legal drinkers! We celebrated with a night of pure fun at Casey Moore's, Cue Club and Rula Bula, and it was especially awesome because we ran into an old studio professor and he went bar hopping with us. It's always nice to see professors outside the classroom and living normal lives, especially when that involves arguing with bouncers over the spatial qualities of a backpack.


Earlier that day I attempted to sell my red bike (which, if you've heard the stories of my knee problems, you know I despise with every inch of my being) for infinitely more than it was worth. The lady that came to look at it tried to low-ball me, so she didn't end up taking it. I was mildly upset at the rejection, then came back inside to find a rejection email from RSP Architects, which didn't surprise me because I had applied for an interior design internship with an architecture degree. It was still double bummer though.

WEEK 1

The first 7 days of post-graduation were really nothing extraordinary. I suppose that's because the shock of being vulnerable to the real world haven't really hit me yet. The week went something like this:

WEDNESDAY: The night before graduation was our last party as college students, and it was a perfect way to end the last four years. We toasted champagne and had a frienaissance moment, because this was one of the first parties I went to with this particular group of friends. I gave people Petrucci Mints, and fell off my bike on the way home.

THURSDAY: Despite my parents missing graduation due to some douchebag storm in the midwest, graduation was a lovely yet oddly anticlimactic experience. They didn't play the graduation song, and we didn't get to throw our hats in the air. My parents eventually did make it in, and we spent the night drinking and being merry, playing apples to apples, and sharing stories until we got too tired.
FRIDAY: My parents cooked a delicious Thai feast, and I basically sat and ate the entire day. My parents filled my fridge and I girl-chatted with my mom, and really enjoyed having other people at my house. I went out to Old Town that night and probably celebrated entirely too hard (oops), but in the end I made it home safe and sound.

SATURDAY: I woke up to more Thai food! Then went around and took cheesy ASU photos with the parents, since they missed my graduation. It was hot out, but really fun. We ditched official grad parties that night and got together at Ben's house, where we drank too much beer playing beer pong, and everyone probably got sick. Another frienaissance moment. We used to do this all the time.


SUNDAY: I was smart and planned ahead and said goodbye to my parents before leaving the night before, and good thing too because they were already on the plane halfway across America before I rubbed my eyes awake. I spent the day eating pizza and watching Arrested Development with Ben, and then cleaning out the last of our things from studio. It felt a lot like the post-breakup-and-now-returning-things kind of thing. Then we went to Molly's grad party at the Scottsdale Stadium for a bit, then I went to go see boyfriend, who is now in Barcelona. Jealous.

MONDAY: Woke up briefly to say goodbye to Mark, and because of a combination of sleepiness and sadness, it felt really informal. I don't think it sunk in that he'd be gone for three months until I woke up colder than usual and I didn't have any freckles to stare at while I woke up for real. Regardless, I woke up and went out to Rula Bula with friends, then to sleep because I was sad and lonely.

TUESDAY: Went on a windy bike ride, thrifting with Qian, and then watched Glee with her and Dan. We got mooned on the way back from Goodwill, by a group of dudes in a black Acura from Iowa. They called us "consumer whores" as they drove past, which I don't understand because we had just come from a charity shop and I didn't even buy anything.

WEDNESDAY: I don't think I did anything interesting, and if I did, I don't remember.

THURSDAY: I unsuccessfully tried to jump my car battery, and missed out on all of the errands I was supposed to run because my bike is not here and my car apparently hates me. I wallowed for a bit, being unemployed and stuck at home. I fished a chair out of the dumpster and have started to sand the finish off of it. I have big plans for this thing.